sigh.

In breaking from the traditional information prescribed blog I would normally write I find instead today that my mood is shifted into a dream-like state. I am at an un-easy place and while I lack motivation today I am pushing to complete tasks that will certainly bring me relief and peace of mind tomorrow. I suppose that is what these days are about. Doing things that don't seem appealing and knowing that in doing just what I lack the desire to do I am opening a vessel for the clarity to move on the next day from the distaste of today.

Some days my pregnancy seems a blur of confusion. I feel clear minded about what is to come in that I know it will be life changing, cliche, eventful, and notable to my existence, but some days it seems so surreal I am silenced by the uncertainty of tomorrow and patient for its unraveling. At this point He is but a diamond in the sand [were the sand my life or the lives of many]. I am lost in the meaning of life and embracing it all the same. I wonder how long I can go like this. Living without understanding meaning and yet I know this little diamond will provide a bit of meaning. To be lost in and of itself has taken on new clarity and I find it is the very thing I am not lost at. I am a master of disaster, an emblem of struggle and while still no better at handling it, I no longer find enough pity in my heart to whine about my misery. I find my misery insufferable and what is left is only anger. To get out of this just may show the full meaning of life. To be bogged down by these monetary strangulation's clouds my mind with nasty emotions and I ache for a solution I have yet to find.

As each day toward meeting Oliver nears I know simplicity is my friend and perhaps a purging of old habits may be necessity. I will find that clarity. I know a person can only go on in confusion for so long and then something profound will move their existence. My husband and I both look forward to a bit of simplicity. We'll leave the complications to defining our big new love that is yet to engulf us both and in the meantime I will try to breathe in and out each day, remind myself of the hormones streaming through my core, and cut myself some slack. In the meantime I'll work hard on the cloudy days to make the sun shine brighter when it comes.

To me the meaning of life is not in god. I believe in spirituality and of course prayer is vital to my maintaining hope, having somewhere to share my thoughts, my dreams, but my search does not end in an all encompassing god. Perhaps I will find meaning in life in becoming a Mom. I have always thought that to be my meaning in life and I feel certain I am already a better person for following my own dreams. Big lessons to be learned as I struggle not to meet others expectations and find peace in my own--maybe even find peace in defining my own. I know one thing is for sure--I look forward to meeting this person. To come is a whole new life and I can only define myself to him through my own standards. Soon. So soon.